When Fighting Feels Lonely: Step-Parenting Through Relationship Challenges

Can we talk about the loneliness that comes with being a step-parent? Many scenarios come up that can make step-parents feel isolated. School events, holidays, and big decisions being made. Even in the most inclusive of co-parenting relationships, there’s a hierarchy of opinions: 

1. Bio mom/ dad

2. Step parents

I know my husband appreciates my opinion and usually tries to consult me when decisions are made regarding the kids, but I also know that his opinion will always outweigh and potentially overrule mine. And for many families, the step-parent can feel invisible. Many step-parents are the last to know and the least considered. 

For me, the most isolating time is when we fight with our partners. Every relationship has its ups and downs. Every partnership fights. Sometimes, this makes for an uncomfortable few hours; sometimes, it makes for a less-than-enthusiastic kiss goodbye or a half-hearted “love you” before falling asleep. But ultimately, every fight brings about more communication and a new lease on the relationship. 

But for couples where one or both have experienced divorce, fighting can also bring something much more complex than enduring a few awkward moments. It can make the quietest of voices scream with insecurity. 

How many fights did he get in with his ex? How many fights are too many? How do I ensure we’re just a healthy marriage airing out our grievances and not repeating past behaviors?

Before I had my son, I knew my husband was my biggest fan in the family. I never took offense to the idea that I may not be anyone’s first choice in the family apart from my husband. I know my stepkids love me; they miss me when I’m gone, they like the food I make and when I tuck them into bed at night. But still, their dad is their dad. Bound by blood, and I can’t compete with that. Nor would I want to. Their dad looked for me, loved me, chose me. And as much as they think of me as a family now, there was a time when they didn’t. 

So when my husband and I fight, when we have a few hours where neither of us has much to say to the other, when we say things that hurt and it feels like neither of us wants to be around the other one very much, suddenly it can amplify and feel like no one in the house really wants you there. You wonder, “If I went to the store for three hours, would I even be missed?” 

All couples fight, and everyone can feel lonely in a marriage. But marriages like ours can bring an amplified loneliness that nuclear families may not understand. Today’s divorce rate is not great as it is, but for blended families, the odds are stacked against us. Seventy percent of marriages where one or both partners have kids end in divorce. 

I can’t speak for other couples, but I know most of the fights I have with my husband involve communication. Someone is either mis-communicating, misunderstanding, not saying what needs to be said, or downright saying the wrong thing. 

My husband and I have fit a whole life in the first year and a half of marriage. We got married, renovated a house, our kids changed schools, we got pregnant, and had a baby almost on our year anniversary. Sometimes, I forget that we’re still newlyweds, figuring out how to do marriage right. When we fight, I have a terrible habit of getting lost in the sadness of it. Call it a fear of abandonment, I guess, but I hate fighting with my loved ones. All I want to do is make it right and return to loving each other. Sometimes, in a spiral, I wonder, “Have I changed things forever? Can this break ever be repaired?” But then tomorrow comes, the sting of the fight wears off, and we find something to laugh about. We talk, we move on, and we’re strong enough for it. Our fights are like birds floating in a vast ocean. Few and far between, and when you scale back, you can barely even see them. 

You will make mistakes as a spouse. You will make mistakes as a step-parent. But it’s important when these mistakes happen to scale back. Don’t let yourself get swept up in the darkness of the error. Don’t throw out a painting because of one wrong brush stroke. If you need to, run to Target for 3 hours. But only because you want candles and a new purse, not because you believe no one will notice. Believe me, step-mom, you’ll be missed.